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Siri find me a boyfriend meme

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My boyfriend nodded curiously. I need to put a grapefruit on your dick. I'm sorry. Why the hell did I need to put a grapefruit on my boyfriend's penis in the first place, you ask?

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95 Funny Siri Commands Downright Stupid Enough to Make You Laugh

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My boyfriend nodded curiously. I need to put a grapefruit on your dick. I'm sorry. Why the hell did I need to put a grapefruit on my boyfriend's penis in the first place, you ask? The answer, of course, was: the Internet! Perhaps you've caught some of the recent media coverage of Auntie Angel, a Chicago-based YouTube sexpert and inventor of the "grapefruit blowjob," a fellatio technique supposedly so pleasurable and thrilling that it can induce a heart attack.

Though there was a lot of Internet chatter about the video, and a few interviews with Angel herself, I couldn't find any firsthand accounts of people who had tried the technique. I decided that, for the glory of knowledge and the good of the American people, I had to offer my own boyfriend as a possible sacrifice.

Angel's promise about death beejays reminded me a little bit of when B-movie directors used to hire nurses to stand around the lobby of their horror films, in case you "died of fright. Food has a long and storied history with sex-type stuff.

There aren't a lot of statistics out there about how much Americans use food in their sex lives, but food-related questions turn up regularly enough in sex advice columns that I believe most people have used a donut in a way that the fine people at Entenmann's never intended at least once in their lives. Given all of this, I was surprised about how anxious the idea of a grapefruit blowjob made me.

I usually pride myself on being sexually open-minded and my ability to talk about anything related to my or anyone else's fun parts. In high school, I once got to second base with two dudes at once.

I just wrote that on the Internet, where my stepmother could easily Google it! Surely, putting some fruit on my favorite boner should be a breeze in comparison. But for some reason, messing around with food in bed has always terrified me.

Maybe it's because it always seemed too Caligula -style decadent. But whatever the reason, I've never had any desire to bring my two great passions together. But the grapefruit blowjob seemed so simultaneously wacko AND totally obvious and sensible that my curiosity won out.

Would it actually work? Would it be too silly to be sexual? Would citrus juice go up my boyfriend's urethra and make him dump me and then I would have to explain this entire thing to my therapist? I had my suspicions "yes" on the last one , but had to know for sure. So I came home, got my boyfriend, and followed the video's instructions: I chopped off both sides of a grapefruit, so that all that remained was a slice of the center portion.

The video says to cut a hole the width of your partner's penis, but I just poked out the center of the grapefruit slice with my fingers, and it seemed to work just as well. In her video, Angel recommended blindfolding your partner and springing the grapefruit on them as a surprise. But for better or for worse, I do not live in a Sade song, and do not feel comfortable blindfolding my boyfriend and erotically rubbing foodstuffs all over his baby-maker without prior permission.

So I told him what I was about to do, which was probably more for my benefit than his — I was happy to know that, of all the things that might go wrong in this, his dying of surprise would not be one of them. Then, I laid down a towel. Do not try this without laying down a towel first, unless you're doing it on some kind of tiled floor that you can hose down, because the grapefruit blowjob is, above all else, an enormous mess.

Also, don't have sex on a tiled floor; you're going to hurt your knees or something. I then started giving my boyfriend a regular blowjob, as if there was not a big slice of grapefruit just sitting on the nightstand next to us. After a few minutes, I got up, got the slice, and silently wondered if I was going to end up having to do something really weird to apologize for this later.

So, after all my hemming and hawing, how did the grapefruit blowjob turn out? From the second I put that slice on there, my boyfriend could not get enough of this goddamned grapefruit. It turned a regular, Wednesday night, let's-get-this-boner-going-so-we-can-bang-before-my-Ambien-kicks-in blowjob into a weird, wild, wet blowjob, with grapefruit juice running everywhere and my boyfriend bucking wildly.

When my mouth got tired and I needed to take a break for a second, he eagerly requested that I keep the grapefruit going as part of a hand job. I thought back on all my years reading Pinterest, and realized that this was truly the first time any craft project I had found on the Internet had actually worked out.

In the post-show cleanup, the few drawbacks of the technique became clear. Even though he didn't feel anything unpleasant in the moment, my boyfriend reported a "mild burning" from the grapefruit juice in his urethra when he peed afterwards.

Also, you are both going to need to take showers, and getting that pulp out of public hair took a few aggressive shampooings. It's a bit tricky.

But cleaning issues aside, the grapefruit blowjob is an absolute winner. My boyfriend described the texture of the pulp as vagina-like, and said that the grip of it on his penis skin felt more "natural" than the standard lubed-up palm that comes with a hand or blowjob. He also found the grapefruit's coolness "refreshing," and the wetness exciting.

And I have to admit that, as someone who was so hesitant and weirded-out by the idea of incorporating food into sex, licking a penis that tastes like a grapefruit is kind of more exciting than just licking a penis that tastes like penis.

It was really fun. So while I can't declare my food sex hangups completely gone, I can percent recommend the grapefruit blowjob. It's exactly the kind of thing that can liven up an evening for longtime couples who have already worked their way through whatever kinks you brought into the relationship. As Auntie Angel notes at the end of her video, your partner will end the encounter thinking, "I could have been fucking a grapefruit all these years.

Want more sex? Of course you do. Guaranteed to fulfill you more than your ex. Images: giphy. Does the Grapefruit Blowjob Technique Work? By Gabrielle Moss.

Siri, find me a boyfriend

These furry creatures already get enough attention without an official day period of dedication. You will not catch me cooing every time a furry four-legged beast comes my way. Cue the inevitable cries of shock, disgust, and terror. Supposedly, humanity rests in pet adoration. Those that are decidedly disinterested in four legged-friends are stigmatized outsiders.

Siri is supposed to do everything a personal assistant would — schedule dates, set reminders, find directions, send messages or make calls via voice commands. Many people find it amusing to ask Siri hilarious or provocative questions.

This is a sure way to get rid of boredom and also stimulate the brain. Share On pinterest. In groups of people who don't work together, these fun ice breaker questions are effective in breaking through the normal coolness that can exist between people before they know each other. Divide 30 by half and add ten. Beauty pageants are being held all across the world.

Witty questions

Looking for some goofy, silly, stupid, and just plain funny Siri commands? If you want to have a laugh, then Siri can certainly provide a chuckle or two. Sometimes asking the same question twice or three times in a row can get different and ever continuously more ridiculous responses back. No spoilers given on the answers, just hold down that Siri button and have some fun to see what you get. Interestingly, some of the responses to these commands are different in various versions of iOS, for example you might get different responses in iOS 6 than from the newer versions like iOS 7, 8, iOS 9, iOS 10, iOS 11, or iOS 12, but they all seem to work with all versions of Siri since her digital conception, whether being used on an iPhone or iPad. Do you know of any odd or funny Siri tricks, jokes, or commands? Let us know in the comments below! Thanks to Peter K. Enjoy this tip? Subscribe to the OSXDaily newsletter to get more of our great Apple tips, tricks, and important news delivered to your inbox!

Amazon Alexa Easter Eggs: Your complete guide to funny Alexa commands

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Alexa, Amazon's virtual assistant, has an answer for just about everything. And, at the same time, she's loaded with hilarious responses for all sorts of hidden commands. These are "Alexa Easter Eggs" - an unexpected feature in software - and they range from her deepest, darkest thoughts on life to cool pop culture references. We've found hundreds of commands and listed them all below with her responses.

Siri Answers 60+ Funny Questions

TikTok is THE destination for mobile videos. On TikTok, short-form videos are exciting, spontaneous, and genuine. From your morning coffee to your afternoon errands, TikTok has the videos that are guaranteed to make your day.

Start your search for a girlfriend by meeting more girls through clubs, events, and mutual friends. Then, impress girls by looking your best and talking to them. When you find a girl who interests you, ask her on a date. If the 2 of you click, you might ask her to be your girlfriend! A healthy relationship allows both people to spend time working on themself.

25 Cute and Flirty Ways to Start a Conversation with Your Crush

These are dark times for human-device relations. Nosey robot assistants like Alexa and Siri are eavesdropping on us and our cookies—the small pieces of data that collect our preferences and cater advertisements to us—are messing with us. Like that time a pair of sold-out shoes I desperately wanted haunted me across the web for a month. Five brave women experienced their own cookie-related nightmares, and lived to tell the tale. These are their stories.

Tim is the only 12, - Uploaded by The Tim Tok Network.

Look, we get it. The central premise of this article sounds absurd. What could possibly be funny about a global pandemic that has altered the very fabric of our existence, in one fell swoop shutting down everything we hold dear, from sports to movies to music to the very notion of human interaction?

The Observer

Texting your friends is the easiest thing in the world. When you're texting your BFFs you're funny, clever, and you never think twice about hitting send. Texting your crush , on the other hand, is a whole different ballgame. There are so many expectations and suddenly you start second guessing yourself at every turn.

Escape Our Current Hell With These (Good) Coronavirus Jokes

Another lonely night. Just you, your couch, a half melted pint of cookie dough ice cream, and the crushing absence of companionship. So, like any good 21st-century single, you pluck your iPhone from between the sofa cushions and open up the matchmaking app Tinder.





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